Sunday, January 03, 2010

Triple-action Jesus (only $9.97)

While supplies last, of course

There used to be these things called newspapers. They'd magically appear on your doorstep each morning (usually; sometimes in the afternoon). On weekends they would contain an item called a Sunday supplement. Before newspapers, in their dying throes, began to sprinkle color throughout their publications, the Sunday supplement was often referred to as “the color section.” I used to pore over the color section in utter fascination. It brimmed over with exciting weirdness.

Some things never change. The surviving newspapers and their Sunday supplements continue to uphold the weirdness standard. This morning, for example, the USA Weekend section that accompanies my local paper sported an advertisement that took me back to the good old days. If I were my hyper-religious and ultra-superstitious maternal grandmother, I'd be calling the toll-free number right now to get a heaping helping of Jesus-based magnetic copper pain relief. (Since copper itself isn't magnetic, I gather that some ferrous material must be embedded in the copper. Or maybe it's just a miracle.)

As those enamored of woo-woo health nostrums are given to understand, copper bracelets suck the pain out through your wrists, magnets align the iron in your hemoglobin for smoother blood flow, and Jesus ... well, he's just the Son of God, you know. One might think that divine intervention should suffice on its own, but a dash of pseudoscience can't hurt, right? Triple-strength Jesus-copper-magnet healing is here!

Do you believe? Wear this solid COPPER MAGNETIC THERAPY JESUS BRACELET for the most powerful healing and comfort you’ve ever experienced! COPPER has been relied on for centuries to ease the pain of arthritis. MAGNETS are used therapeutically to ease muscle pain, tendonitis, bursitis, back pain, poor circulation and more. And faith in the miracles of JESUS can not only protect you from physical pain, but soothe your soul in times of stress! Fully adjustable to fit most wrists.
Act now! Operators are standing by.

I've also heard that laughter is the best medicine. (I think I'll try some now.)


Miki Z. said...

No kidding. It's pretty clear how Jesus' pain ended -- are they threatening us?

David Marjanović said...


Interrobang said...

The miracles of Jesus are fully adjustable to fit most wrists. Who knew?

Well, I suppose nails are kind of "one size fits all," aren't they...

Anonymous said...

And this stuff is from . . . wait for it . . . Dream Products!

Yes, the bracelet's usefulness is entirely in your imagination.

This whole thing is simply too funny.

Jens Knudsen (Sili) said...

So not only was Jesus just a bit inconvenienced for night or two - rather than dead and suffering for all eternity or summat - but he wasn't even in pain on the cross, since they used magnetic copper (halleluyah!) nails?

Exactly what's supposed to be the moral here?