Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dear George

I fear your love is unrequited

The president insists on sending me mail. He can't stop. I'm not sure exactly what I did to spark his obsession with me, but he keeps talking about our shared ideals and goals. If he keeps insulting me this way, I shall have to be curt with him. To date, I've contented myself with ignoring his ever more piteous pleas for attention. Today's missive is a curious amalgam of mendacity and chest-beating. In other words, typical of his ghostwriters.
Dear Zeno,

During my six and a half years in office, you and I have worked together to advance the Republican Party's principles to keep America safe, strengthen our economy, protect our values and extend the American Dream to every person who's fortunate to be a citizen of our great country.
Unless you live in New Orleans, of course. That “keep America safe” thing is working better, of course, what with the administration's willingness to send Americans overseas to be killed. It's not just about the oil, of course. That's a vile slander. It's all about plutocracy: no-bid contracts and no-oversight out-sourcing. That's the Republican way.
In just over 13 months, Americans go to the polls to elect the next President. We have an important mission: to keep the White House in 2008, and retake the U.S. House and Senate. It is critical we do so and your help is needed today to ensure a GOP victory.
I do believe I just caught the president saying something true—quite a lapse on his part. My help is needed for a Republican victory because contributions are at such a low ebb that Democratic fundraising is dramatically outstripping GOP efforts. He won't get my help, so what does that tell you?
Next year, Chairman Mike Duncan and the Republican National Committee (RNC) will have the job of organizing our Party's national grassroots campaign effort.

Mike and I both are counting on your support to help lead the Republican Party to sweeping victories in the 2008 elections.
Is that the same Mike Duncan who chaired the transition committee for Governor Ernie Fletcher of Kentucky? Boy, that was sure a successful transition! I presume Duncan carefully vetted all of those folks who went on to join one of the state's most corrupt administrations ever. It was clever how Fletcher issued pardons to several members of his administration to forestall further investigations into the criminal abuse of Kentucky's merit system. Now that Fletcher is running for re-election, I assume his campaign will be one of Mike Duncan's biggest priorities. Please pour lots of campaign funds into that rat-hole, would you?

But we mustn't blame Mike for problems that are clearly Governor Fletcher's fault. That would be guilt by association. Mike Duncan no doubt gets enough of that just from being head of the Republican National Committee these days.
We know it is grassroots activists like you who put up the yard signs, knock on the doors, make the phone calls and do what's necessary to win and elect a Republican president and Congress.

And it is people like you who give generously to ensure our candidates have the resources needed to run effective campaigns and win. That is why I hope you will make a special online gift of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to keep the RNC's 2008 election programs moving forward.
Those dollar amounts are trending in the right direction, but you didn't go far enough. Once you dip into negative quantities, you can sign me up!
Winning the 2008 elections will be the toughest test our Party has faced since we won the White House and added to our numbers in both houses of Congress in 2004.
Yes, and this is one test you can't slip past with a “gentleman's C” or because a legacy can't be permitted to fail. Those days are over for you, buddy.
To accomplish our mission, Republicans must make clear how we will meet the challenges of defending America and extending our prosperity.
You can write “accomplish our mission” without blushing? Good for you!
Republicans have a solid record when it comes to protecting the United States of America.

After the enemy attacked us, I vowed I would rally this nation and use our resources to protect you. And that is exactly what we have done. We have reformed our intelligence services to make sure we can find the enemy before they strike. We have fought to deny them safe haven in Afghanistan and Iraq so they cannot plan and plot again.
Well, we were denying them safe haven in Afghanistan, but our neglect of that operation has permitted the Taliban's resurgence. Would you like to address that little problem? At least we're keeping up the effort in Iraq, where it was Saddam himself who used to deny them a safe haven. Good thing we took him out and turned all of Iraq into a terrorist training ground. That's going to be part of your legacy, George!
The fight for freedom in Iraq is the fight for the security of the United States of America and we must prevail. If we leave before the job is done, the enemy that attacked us would be emboldened. I believe if our candidates take the message of doing what is necessary to protect the American people, we will win in 2008.
You may be right, George. It's called fear-mongering. You're good at it, and it's worked before. Your approval ratings, however, suggest that most folks are on to you now. I certainly hope so.

Republicans also have a solid record when it comes to growing this economy.

Republicans cut taxes for everybody who pays taxes. We understand that if you have more money in your pocket to save, spend, or invest, the economy will grow.

If you look carefully at the budget the Democrats proposed, they want to return to the days of tax and spend. They will raise your taxes and figure out new ways to spend your money.

If our candidates remind the American voter that tax cuts have worked, that the economy is strong as a result of the tax cuts, and instead of raising taxes, we ought to make the tax cuts permanent, we will retake the U.S. House and Senate and hold the White House in 2008.
The best part about our federal budget is that the war in Iraq is off the books! Thanks to Bush-style bookkeeping, we can continue to pretend to be good stewards of the nation's economy while maxing out our credit cards. Not to worry! The bill won't come due while Bush is still in the White House.
You can win most elections based upon strong national defense and good economic policy. But the RNC needs Sustaining Members to get this message out and support our Republican candidates.

Please support our cause today by making a special online contribution of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC to help elect Republicans at all levels in 2008.

Zeno, Republicans believe in doing what's right for America. We believe that the best days lie ahead for our country. And I believe that we're going to succeed in 2008 with your support.


George W. Bush

P.S. Zeno, the RNC is leading our Party's drive to keep the White House, reclaim our majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and elect GOP legislators in all 50 states. Please take moment right now to make a special contribution of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 today to help fully fund the RNC's 2008 campaign programs. Thank you.
You're welcome, George, but I think my campaign contributions will go to candidates committed to wiping out the legacy of the worst president in American history. I'd say more, but it'll be fun watching you try to figure out who I mean.

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