Do the right thing

Give them what they want

A lot of people have weighed in on the significance of President Obama's selection as this year's winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Most folks seem to think it's at least a little bit anticipatory. Perhaps the president can put it on lay-away until he's got the political capital to redeem it. Others have been slightly less charitable—which confuses me, of course, since many of the most virulent objectors are overtly and cloyingly Christian. (Of the three great virtues of faith, hope, and charity, only the first seems to carry any weight with them.)

I suppose I could simply sit back and enjoy the spectacle of exploding Republican heads, but I prefer to take the initiative and offer some sure-fire ways to alleviate the anguish of the angry right.

We should give them what they want.

The elfin Michelle Malkin, who always reminds me of the vicious little fairy creatures (bloodthirsty “alate pseudosimians”) in Heinlein's Podkayne of Mars, mocked the Nobel Peace Prize award by saying, “The World Apology Tour yields dividends.” Michelle, you see, preferred George W. Bush's unilateral bully-boy approach to international relations. Treating other nations as peers fails to remind them of their inherent inferiority. (As we all know, people are nicer to you if you tell them they're scum.) To make Michelle Malkin happy, I think President Obama should arrange to have her bitch-slapped like the slut she is and hustled off in chains to a confinement facility. (I know the language is politically incorrect and sexist, but Michelle disapproves of prissiness and P.C.)

She likes it when we imprison our minorities, so I think it would be especially appropriate to lock her up in Tule Lake, where Japanese-Americans were penned up during World War II. Visitors to the historical facility could be invited to poke at her with sticks, making it a fun hands-on experience for the entire family.

Malkin could hardly protest. She thinks this is a good way to treat your political opponents and rivals throughout the world. There is no question but that she is one of the president's most outspoken opponents. She would have, therefore, to be gratified that he was following her advice so specifically. Since Malkin posits that the president is deeply connected to Chicago's notorious corruption, it should be easy for him to put out a contract for a bag-job on her.

It's only what she would expect.

Rush Limbaugh, radio entertainer and sexual athlete, says the the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Obama in gratitude for his campaign to create a “weakened, neutered U.S.” To demonstrate his possession of balls that even the Viagra-powered Rush would envy, the president should dispatch a special-ops team to drag him off to one of the empty cages at Guantánamo. They could strip Limbaugh naked (it's only a frat-boy prank anyway, which Rush wouldn't mind), bind his wrists to his ankles in a stress position (it's not torture), and stuff Oxycontin up his ass till he sings the president's praises (because people respect you when you beat up on them).

I'm flexible about this suggestion because Limbaugh isn't. The fat boy doesn't bend too well in the middle, so some alternative stress position might need to be devised. I have confidence that America's patriotic Cheney-trained interrogators are up to the job.

And Rush would be proud of an American president who stands up to those who oppose him.

Glenn Beck is a special case requiring special handling. He thinks the president should turn the Nobel Peace Prize over to the motley crew of malcontents, sore losers, racists, conspiracy nuts, GOP agitators, and idiots that comprised the so-called “9-12 Project.” (The label is especially ironic, demonstrating that Beck and his minions must remember nothing at all about the sense of national unity that prevailed during the aftershock of 9-11.)

Beck should be strapped down into a chair with his eyelids clamped open (à la Alex in A Clockwork Orange) and forced to watch a video loop of George W. Bush's speeches on his determination to track down Osama bin Laden (remember him?). I haven't quite decided whether Beck's eyes should be periodically swabbed with his preferred Vicks VapoRub (which may be losing its effectiveness in inducing his crying jags) or the more potent pepper spray. I'm thinking the latter. Get maximum-strength name-brand stuff like Mace. Nothing is too good for our out-front leader of the wacko patriot fringe.

I'm certain that some sissified liberals would say that my proposals are too extreme, too edgy. To them I say that they have obviously not been paying enough attention to the creative protests of the pugnacious right wing. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

You know what to do, Barack. Earn that prize!