Forwarding to the nth power

Redundant spam

What is it with people who compulsively forward “interesting” e-mail? Apparently the effort of clicking the “forward” button in their e-mail program is as much as they can do. It always seems to be too much trouble to clean up the “interesting” item, even if it's been quoted so often that the body of the document contains multiple copies of the item of interest, along with pages and pages of the e-mail addresses of previous victims of compulsive forwarding.

This characteristic of forwarded e-mail is as common as large fonts, ALL CAPS, and frenetic punctuation!!!!!11!!!1! (And let's not forget misspelling.)

All of this was true of my father's latest bit of forwarded enlightenment, which contained two copies of a “modest solution” (with none of Swift's wit) to the problem of senior health care. Dad earnestly believes that the Obama administration is out to get him, since he is—in his own words (perhaps, however, cribbed from a Limbaugh broadcast)—past his “expiration date.”

I'm sure you've heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here's the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You're allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you'll be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!

I'm not certain why each senior gets a shot at two U.S. representatives, but it's probable that the originators of this winsome satire are quite unaware that we each have only one representative in the lower house of congress. That is the level of expertise I've come to expect from forwarded e-mails.

My father knows better, but far be it from him to change one jot or tittle of the received wisdom of forwarded spam mail. When he thinks a piece of e-mail will get my goat, he cheerfully passes it along as is. Naturally, I respond in a similarly cheerful vein:

This brilliant plan is certain to work, Dad, except that I'm afraid senior citizens will quickly run out of members of congress to murder. You'd better act quickly, before they're all gone.

Of course, it would only be sporting to warn Rep. Nunes that you're gunning for him. Shall I forward this to your congressman, or will you? And maybe a copy to Homeland Security, too.

Dad may have to reconsider. Rep. Nunes is a Republican, and I think Dad would prefer open season on Democrats (and other socialists like that).

I think we have a misfire.