Praise the Lord

And pass the ammunition!

With the Republican nomination for president all sewn up, J. Sidney McCain III is looking for a running mate. At the same time, he is trying to explain away the enthusiasm with which he embraced the endorsement of John Hagee, the fulminating anti-Catholic preacher from Texas. The senator, you see, loves Hagee's endorsement but doesn't otherwise agree with much of anything he says. See? All better!

Today, however, Pastor Hagee cleverly positioned himself in this year's presidential political contest with a slyly timed television sermon on asking the Lord for what you want. (God, you see, is a big wish-dispensing machine, if only you learn to operate it from the correct kneeling position.) The portly preacher shared a tender moment with his congregation while recounting a poignant story from his childhood.

At the age of six, you see, little John wanted nothing more than a Daisy air rifle from the Sears & Roebuck catalog. Living in southeast Texas, where his father was the pastor of a small church, John used to page through the catalog and stare dreamily at the mail-order armaments. On Christmas day, six-year-old John Hagee discovered that God (or Santa or Dad) had answered his heartfelt prayers and presented him with his very own Daisy air rifle.

Unfortunately, John's older brother fell prey to the sin of covetousness and wanted John's Daisy air rifle for himself. The brothers began to fight. “So I did the only thing I could,” explained Pastor Hagee, growing misty-eyed for his television audience. “I shot him.”

Wonder of wonders! The source of the problem was also the source of the solution!

While Hagee was explaining to his audience that his father had taken issue with his younger son's creative resolution of the dispute, a sudden revelation came over me. I understood the message of the obese oracle:

John Hagee is running for vice president!

While Dick Cheney merely shot a friend in the face by accident, John Hagee shot his own brother and did it deliberately. Truly Hagee has what it takes to ride shotgun on the McCain Straight Talk Express. It would be the greatest pairing since Sears and Roebuck. Or Bonnie and Clyde. How much longer could it be before the first McCain-Hagee bumper stickers appear? I'll bet they're already on the racks in the shops in Hagee's megachurch complex.

Praise the Lord!