Sunday, February 18, 2007

Her Majesty's Phish

A very classy scam

The queen is very concerned about me and my financial well-being. She—actually, her Secret Intelligence Service—warns me that I could be victimized by an on-line scam. (She's right, you know!) An urgent e-mail from Her Majesty's Secret Intelligence Service urges me to send it detailed personal information, including “evidence of payment of monies.” I presume that latter could include bank or credit card statements. I'm sure they wouldn't ask for it if they didn't really need it. And this is from the British, allies so close to us that they fall all over themselves to indulge the imperialist whims of our Boy King in the White House.

See for yourself what the Anti-Scam Department of the British Secret Intelligence Service had to say. I am most frightfully sorry that I broke all of the links that were in the original message. You'll just have to wait till you get your own message from Her Majesty's finest if you want to test them out. Here it is:
X-Header-Overseas: Mail.from.Overseas.source.83.172.209.148
From: "ANTI-SCAM DPT. (SIS)"
Reply-To: use-the-hyperlink-only@sis.gov.uk
Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:51:17 +0100
Subject: SCAM ALERT!!
X-Priority: 1







P. O Box 1300, London SE1 1BD, United Kingdom. Tel/Fax: + 44 700 593 1047
ANTI-SCAM DEPARTMENT.
SCAM ALERT!!


Attention!

This email is being sent to you today, as a result of the scam alert warning which your email address signaled to our computer database today, with strong indication that you currently MIGHT be in a business transaction where you are a SCAM VICTIM unknowingly.

With slim chances that our prediction can be wrong, please kindly take time to answer these questions outlined below quickly;

1. Are you in a business transaction case, where you have been approached to claim millions of (United States Dollars, British Pound Sterlings, Euros, e.t.c.), with a huge reward of a particular percentage of the complete fund amount to go to you?

2. Are you in a business transaction case, where you have been approached by a lottery company with claims that you have successfully won millions of (United States Dollars, British Pound Sterlings, Euros, e.t.c.)?

3. Are you in a business transaction case, where you have been approached and promised to be assisted in having an overdue contract award funds that is supposely your's, to be successfully released to you without further hitches or delays, provided you comply with every instruction that you receive?

4. Are you in a business transaction case where you have been promised to receive large sums of money in excess of millions of (United States Dollars, British Pound Sterlings, Euros, e.t.c.), as a reward for your simple assistance?

5. Are you in a business transaction case where you were approached and promised to be awarded a contract worth millions or billions of (United States Dollars, British Pound Sterlings, Euros, e.t.c.)?

If you do not find yourself in any of the category as outlined above, please kindly dismiss our scam alert on your email address, and discard this message immediately, as our predictions have turned out to be false, where we sincerely apologize for any inconveniences this message might have caused you, but if you have a friend who fits into any of the category as outlined above, the best you can do for him/her is to forward this e-mail to him/her immediately, so as to enable him/her receive assistance free of charge immediately.

If you find yourself in any of the category outlined above, YOU ARE ADVISED TO READ ON VERY CAREFULLY, as there is a 99.99% chance that you are currently a victim of fraud/scam, run by notorious criminals known as con artists, with the sole aim of scamming and ripping you off your very hard earned funds!! But there is super good news, as you can receive immediate and a complete free of charge assistance from our department, where we can assist you in tracking down these con artists, have them brought to justice, and retrieve any monies in complete amounts that you have been scammed out of, in a maximum of twenty four (24) hours only, by using our new advanced scam combat techniques, but before we proceed, please honestly answer the final question outlined below, in-order to determine if you are eligible for our assistance.

ELIGIBILITY QUESTION: DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION CASE YOU IS REAL?, AND IF YES, HAVE YOU MADE ANY PAYMENTS OF MONIES IN ADVANCE FOR A MANDATORY FEE?

IF YOUR ANSWER TO THESE TWO QUESTIONS ARE NO, THEN YOU DO NOT ELIGIBLE FOR OUR ASSISTANCE, AS YOU DO NOT REQUIRE IT, WHERE YOU ARE ADVISED TO BE VERY WEARY OF SCAM AND CON ARTISTS THAT ARE SERIOUSLY INFECTING THE INTERNET WORLD AT THIS CURRENT TIME FRAME.

IF YOUR ANSWER TO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS OUTLINED ABOVE IS YES, THEN YOU ARE 100% ELLIGIBLE FOR OUR ASSISTANCE.

There are two (3) categories for eligible persons, we have;

CATEGORY ONE (1): This category are for persons who are in a business transaction that they believe is real, but want to determine its validity (i.e Whether the business transaction case is actually real or not).

CATEGORY TWO (2): This category are for persons who are in a business transaction that they believe is real and have already invested their monies into the business transaction as fees, and now want to determine its validity (i.e Whether the business transaction case is actually real or not).

CATEGORY THREE (3): This category are for persons who are in a business transaction that they believe is probably not real, and have already invested their monies into the business transaction, and want to determine its validity, and retrieve all their paid monies immediately.

AS PREVIOUSLY RELATED ABOVE, WE CAN ASSIST YOU BY DETERMINING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION, LOCATE AND BRING TO JUSTICE THE CON ARTISTS, AND HAVE YOU RECEIVE ALL YOUR PAID MONIES IN A MAXIMUM OF TWENTY FOUR (24) HOURS ONLY, FROM THE EXACT TIME FRAME WE INITIATE OUR ASSISTANCE PROCESS, ALL FREE OF CHARGE AS IT IS YOUR RIGHT, AND THIS APPLIES TO ANY CITIZEN OF ANY COUNTRY OR LOCATION.

To initiate our assistance process immediately, our elligible persons are to comply with the directives as outlined below; WARNING: DO NOT PROCEED WITH YOUR SUSPICIOUS BUSINESS TRANSACTION UNTIL WE HAVE SCRUTINIIZED YOUR CASE AND REVERTED BACK TO YOU. DIRECTIVES FOR CATEGORY ONE (1) PERSONS:

If you are a Category one (1) person, you are instructed to furnish us immediately with our requirements as outlined below, via our secured email address by clicking the hyperlink CONTACT US SECURELY, or via our secured fax by using the number (+ 44 700 593 1047 ), while indicating that you are a Category one (1) person.

REQUIREMENTS: 1. YOUR COMPLETE LEGAL NAME. 2. YOUR COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE. 3. YOUR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS) SO AS TO ENABLE US REACH YOU VERY SECURELY IF THE NEED ARISES. 4. THE COMPLETE NAMES OF THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WITH THEIR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (EMAIL, MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS). 5. A COPY OF THE FIRST LETTER, FAX OR EMAIL YOU RECEIVED FROM THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION.

DIRECTIVES FOR CATEGORY TWO (2) PERSONS: If you are a Category two (2) person, you are instructed to furnish us immediately with our requirements as outlined below, via our secured email address by clicking the hyperlink CONTACT US SECURELY, or via our secured fax by using the number (+ 44 700 593 1047 ), while indicating that you are a Category two (2) person.

REQUIREMENTS: 1. YOUR COMPLETE LEGAL NAME. 2. YOUR COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE. 3. YOUR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS) SO AS TO ENABLE US REACH YOU VERY SECURELY IF THE NEED ARISES. 4. THE COMPLETE NAMES OF THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WITH THEIR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (EMAIL, MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS). 5. A COPY OF THE FIRST LETTER, FAX OR EMAIL YOU RECEIVED FROM THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION. 6. THE EXACT TOTAL AMOUNT YOU HAVE INVESTED.

DIRECTIVES FOR CATEGORY THREE (3) PERSONS: If you are a Category three (3) person, you are instructed to furnish us immediately with our requirements as outlined below, via our secured email address by clicking the hyperlink CONTACT US SECURELY, or via our secured fax by using the number (+ 44 700 593 1047 ), while indicating that you are a Category three (3) person.

REQUIREMENTS: 1. YOUR COMPLETE LEGAL NAME. 2. YOUR COUNTRY OF RESIDENCE. 3. YOUR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS) SO AS TO ENABLE US REACH YOU VERY SECURELY IF THE NEED ARISES. 4. THE COMPLETE NAMES OF THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WITH THEIR ACCURATE CONTACT DETAILS (EMAIL, MOBILE/LAND TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS). 5. A COPY OF THE FIRST LETTER, FAX OR EMAIL YOU RECEIVED FROM THE PERSONS OR BUSINESS ASSOCIATES INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION. 6. THE EXACT TOTAL AMOUNT YOU HAVE INVESTED. 7. EVIDENCE OF YOUR PAYMENT OF MONIES.

If you have accurately furnished us with our requirements as instructed and outlined above via our secured e-mail or fax number as accurately outlined above, please kindly allow us a maximum of twenty four (24) hours only, to receive our revert in line to your category selection.

Thank you for your understanding and co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

THE ANTI-SCAM DEPARTMENT TEAM, BRITISH SECRET INTELLIGENCE SERVICE, UNITED KINGDOM.






© Secret Intelligence Service 2007.

For more informations on the Secret Intelligence Service click here

I'm just grateful that after all the fuss back in 1776 (and the subsequent unpleasantness in 1812), the Brits are nevertheless so kindly disposed toward us Americans that they bother to write us to warn of the dangers out there on the Internet.

I must hasten to thank them! That is, once I figure out whether I'm a Category one (1), two (2), or three (3) person.

4 comments:

Owlmirror said...

"THEN YOU DO NOT ELIGIBLE FOR OUR ASSISTANCE"

"WHERE YOU ARE ADVISED TO BE VERY WEARY OF SCAM AND CON ARTISTS"

Someone should alert the Queen that her employees are murdering her language.

(Shorter scam e-mail: "Are you a gullible maroon? We can help you with that — please tell us all about yourself!")

Brainslug said...

Super good news!

King Aardvark said...

Darn it!!! James Bond just took all my money!!!

Jokes.

Anonymous said...

A phishing scam sent to me a while back claimed to be from my (French) ISP. In English.