From time to time I get messages from my friend “Steve,” who reports from the front lines of the culture war going on at American River College in Sacramento. That's where a right-wing coalition of Mormons and Slavic Christians have taken over the student council and put the school on record as supporting the anti-gay Proposition 8. (Vote no!) This morning Steve sent me an e-mail message with a nugget of weird information he uncovered on his school's website. He didn't bother to explain how he stumbled across it, but I can see why it amused him. It sure amuses me.
Here, essentially unedited, is the text of Steve's message:
I probably can't hear the sound of heads popping in Sacramento from here (even if they go “Kablooie!”), but I'm sure Steve will pass the word along if anyone else notices ARC's secret Muslim history.
Date: Sun, 02 Nov 2008 11:10:21 -0800
Subject: The Hidden Imam?
Hey, Zee! Ever wonder where the Hidden Imam might be hanging out? In case you don't know, that's the guy some Shi'ites are expecting to return and lead them back to glory -- you know, kinda like King Arthur is going to return from Avalon to lead the Brits back to glory, Barbarossa is going to return from his cave in Thuringia to lead the Germans back to glory, L. Ron Hubbard is going to return as Xenu in his DC-8 spaceplane to lead Scientologists back to the planet Loony Bin, and Jesus is going to return to lead Christers to heavenly glory. I guess it's whichever comes first.
I think I found a clue to the secret while browsing the InnerTubes, which we have one here at school. Since the local coalition of Mormons and Slavic Christians have been devoting so much of their time to queer-bashing recently -- for the glory of God -- they have taken their eye off the ball of the threat of Islam. What would they think if they became aware that ARC has a Muslim origin? Their heads would explode! Kablooie! Gooey!
Maybe that sounds silly to you, but what else could be the reason for this, which I found on the campus website:
The Early History of the College
Grant Technical College
[from The Koran-ette, the monthly publication of the Associated Students of the Grant Technical College; April 22, 1955, p. 2.]
Grant Junior College was established in February 1942 by authorization of the California State Board of Education under the superintendency of William Rutherford. War training classes began. In the summer of 1942, commercial and mathematics classes were added.
The Koran-ette?! That makes it pretty obvious that Grant Technical College (which later became ARC) was founded under Muslim influences during World War II, undoubtedly as part of a sneaky long-term scheme to undermine America. To think that I am part of that! It will make sense to my algebra students. They already think I'm a terrorist.
Will it help you if I sign off as "Steve", since that's your blogonym for me? Explain that for me one day, okay?