Those rascally Republicans

An exercise in shamelessness

The Republican National Committee is upset at those nasty Democrats in Washington, D.C. You know, the new kids in town who have taken over Congress. The wise and learned elders of the GOP are mortally offended by the Democrats' lack of respect for our Beloved Leader (also know as Captain Cuckoo-Bananas). I got this nice note from the RNC executive cabal, who tried to put it all in simple terms even I could understand:

Dear Zeno,

Some liberal Democrats in Congress want to usurp President Bush's powers as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces.

Democrat leaders John Murtha and Nancy Pelosi in the U.S. House are pushing a “slow-bleed” strategy to micro-manage the War on Terror by placing strict conditions on funding for troops in the field. In the meantime, Democrat Senators Joe Biden and Carl Levin wish to rewrite history by revoking the 2002 Resolution that authorized the war in Iraq, which is the central front in the War on Terror.

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Hey, nice use of scare quotes around the words slow-bleed, as if you're quoting something other than a Republican talking point generated by your own fax machines! I tend to agree that Murtha and Pelosi ought not to micro-manage the Iraq war. While “micro” is way more management than the war effort has enjoyed to date under this administration, all-out management is what's called for. Let's roll it up like a threadbare Persian carpet and tuck it away! (Did you notice that the GOP message said “War on Terror”? That's a terrible misnomer for what's going on in Iraq. The actual War on Terror is being botched right here at home, by the same goofballs who screwed up Iraq.)

Then there's that precious bit about “strict conditions on funding for troops in the field”: it's now well known that the Bushies never put any conditions on funding at all, which is why we have billions of dollars unaccounted for. If only someone had invented bookkeeping before we had to go off to our war of choice. Oh, if only someone knew some Republican accountants (and I don't mean recently graduated frat boys from Ivy League business schools, either!).

Tell the Democrats that playing politics with our nation's security is wrong by supporting President Bush and our Republican leadership in Congress with an online contribution to the Republican National Committee today.

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Ha! Democrats playing politics with national security? Republicans really do have brass balls, don't they? I guess they get jealous when anyone else tries to play the GOP's favorite game. At this point in the message there was a link to their contribution page. Please forgive me for omitting it.

Zeno, we are a nation at war. President Bush's responsibility is to protect the American people and fight terrorists who want to destroy our country and our way of life. He understands our troops must have the resources and flexibility they need to prevail against the enemies of freedom.

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The president understands what our troops need. He just can't be bothered to do anything about it.

At this crucial moment in our country's history, the attempts by some Democrats to tie the President's hands and deny our troops the resources necessary to do their job is incredibly irresponsible and dangerous.

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I wish I could laugh at that, but it's just too damned infuriating. The White House is busy lobbying against Jack Murtha's attempts to require adequate equipment, training, and recuperation time for our soldiers. His efforts are in response to years of callous Republican neglect, yet the GOP dares to smear Murtha's name while attacking Democrats for not supporting the troops. Filthy disgusting liars is what they are.

We cannot allow the Democrats' cynical plans to succeed.

Please show your support for President Bush's efforts to win the War on Terror and help us stop the Democrats' “slow bleed” initiatives by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50 or $100 to the RNC today.

[link omitted]

The Democrats in Congress will be pushing their measures to “slow bleed” our troops. Please let me hear from you today. Thank you.

Best wishes,

Robert M. (Mike) Duncan
Chairman, Republican National Committee

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And there you have the dirty liar's name. It's Mike Duncan, the new Ken Mehlman of the GOP.

I'm eager to help spread the word, of course, like the good patriot that I am. However, I won't be sending Mike any dollars. Those are going to good and decent people instead.