Catholic spin cycle

A faithful parody

The more-Catholic-than-the-pope fringe of Roman Catholicism is faithfully represented by the ultra-ultramontanes of RealCatholicTV, where Michael Voris shares his overweening smugness in a series of videos titled The Vortex. In recent installments he has decried the collapse of Catholicism in Ireland and reported that contraception has brought humanity to the edge of destruction. Voris would not know the meaning of “subtlety” if it hit him in the face with a sledge hammer forged in the white-hot intensity of a million suns. His antics would seem to put him beyond parody, but nothing daunts the truly brave humorist.

Enter Steve, the eponym of Steve Likes to Curse, a blog of peculiarly skewed and irreverent humor. This month he's unveiled a series of Vortex parodies that are wickedly on target. Sporting a helmet-hair wig every bit as authentic as Voris's and styling himself “Michael Whirly, B.F.D.,” Steve presents The Whirlpool (“where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned”). Check out his denunciation of atheists (“stupid retards who only care about fornicating with members of their own sex and smoking drugs”).

Keep an eye on the background animation for the floating washing machine. Then take a look at some of his other videos. He sincerely pities “those silly Jews” and their “obsolete” religion. Consider how specifically he cites scripture as he lusts for an opportunity to stone Emma Watson as a witch. At least, I think stoning is what he wants to do to her. It is a wonder to behold.

Perhaps you have never wasted precious minutes of your life watching Steve's original inspiration, the egregious (I was going to say “inimitable,” but that obviously no longer applies) Michael Voris. You can get a rush of schadenfreude while marveling at the accuracy of Steve's portrayal as Voris wrings his hands and laments over the sorry state of the modern Catholic Church. (Steve does look down a bit too often at his cue cards, I admit, but he also doesn't flub his lines quite as often as Voris either. It's a trade-off.)



One thing does, however, confuse me. Steve says he has just observed his blog's fifth anniversary, but has yet to attract much notice:

After five years, the first four of which I posted at least one article a day, every day, Steve Likes to Curse’s popularity and exposure are still minimal. On a good day, this one gets around 100 hits. Most days it gets between 40-50. And yet this quiet little website of mine has changed my life. What must it be like for someone whose blog gets thousands of hits a day?

Something is wrong when a treasure trove of humor like Steve's blog gets so few visitors. Go give the nice man a little love.

America's Next Top Target

Who is #1?

Now that Osama bin Laden has been gaffed and tossed overboard, one naturally wonders where America's counter-terrorism efforts will strike next. Attentive students of the nation's foreign policy probably have a pretty good idea. With al-Qaeda's top man out of the picture, it's time to focus on #2.

It's probably Bert, whose evil association with bin Laden has been common knowledge for years. I know that lots of people think the “Bert is evil” meme is just an Internet joke that got out of hand, but serious thinkers know better. Any half-assed conspiracy theorist (I apologize for the redundancy there) is aware that al-Qaeda supporters would not brandish posters of Bert at their rallies if he were not affiliated with the terrorist organization. It's almost certain that he's in the leadership, because no one would bother to celebrate a mere foot soldier in the jihadist cause.

Simple.

It's only a matter of time before the deep thinkers of Free Republic and Atlas Shrugs have worked out Bert's position in the al-Qaeda hierarchy. I am confident that soon we will receive messages from the newly-anointed leader via his preferred media conduits (by which I obviously mean PBS and the Children's Television Workshop, whose unremitting efforts to undermine true-blue, red-blooded Americanism cannot be denied).

And then, of course, we might turn our thoughts toward the next puzzle....

Just what is Ernie's role in all of this?

From Georgia with love

The girl from Uncle Sam

“Your excellency, the emissary from the United States is here.”

“Fine. Show her in.”

The aide vanished from the office door and reappeared a few seconds later escorting a middle-aged blonde woman. No one else accompanied her.

“Your excellency, may I present Mrs. Cynthia McCain?”

President Saakashvili arose from behind his desk and strode toward his visitor, hand extended. “Welcome to Georgia, Mrs. McCain. It is a pleasure to see you again.” As he shook hands with his visitor, he looked meaningfully at his aide, who nodded slightly in acknowledgment and quietly slipped out of the office.

“It's a pleasure to see you, Mr. President. I wish the circumstances were happier.”

“Indeed. No one wishes that more than I do.”

Saakashvili led his guest toward a pair of comfortably overstuffed chairs and motioned her to sit down. A carafe of mineral water sat on a side table. He poured the water into a pair of goblets and placed one conveniently at his guest's elbow. He took the other, sat down, and took a slow sip as he regarded his guest.

“I presume the senator has a message for me, no? We can speak frankly here.”

Mrs. McCain paused for a moment to pick up her goblet. Saakashvili waited with a stolid patience while she sampled the mineral water. Finally she spoke.

“John wants you to know that he is deeply dismayed by the recent developments between Georgia and Russia. He strongly supports Georgia's territorial integrity and that will be his official policy when he is president of the United States.”

Saakashvili stared unblinkingly at her until she took a suddenly renewed interest in her water goblet and looked down at it.

“This message is rather ... disappointing. I express myself diplomatically. In fact, it's not a message at all. It is merely a restatement of what the news media report every day. Why does the senator send his wife to me if she has nothing to say?”

Mrs. McCain shifted awkwardly in her chair.

“I'm here on a humanitarian mission, Mr. President. It's not a cover story. I'm really here with humanitarian aid.”

“I thank you for the humanitarian aid, but you are also here to accrue political benefit to your spouse. It is not purely a humanitarian mission. We all know this and it is—shall we say?—impolite to pretend otherwise. We are not talking in front of the cameras here. Tell me plainly, Mrs. McCain. Why do I not hear from the senator directly? And why do I no longer hear from Mr. Scheunemann? They couldn't talk to me enough before the recent unpleasantness and now it has gotten discouragingly quiet. The senator used to say he was my friend.”

“He is your friend, but it's a very busy time for John, Mr. President. There are many demands on him and the convention is approaching. He is over-subscribed, quite frankly, and I'm sorry he can't devote more time to the difficulties in your country. And Randy, you know, is John's chief foreign policy advisor and can no longer be active as a lobbyist. I'm sure, though, that his business partners are still eager to work as your representatives in D.C.”

“You Americans have many interesting idioms in your language. Is this called ‘left hanging out to dry’ or would a better choice be ‘twisting slowly in the wind’?”

“Mr. President, please! That's not fair!”

Saakashvili set his goblet down on the table with enough force to make a loud noise, startling his guest. “You should not speak to me of fairness. I took on faith your husband's assurances that the United States knew Russia would not risk international condemnation for an invasion of Georgian territory. He and Mr. Scheunemann declared that they had political intelligence on the highest level that American pressure would prevent Russian retaliation if I ousted their so-called peacekeepers from South Ossetia. It seems perhaps that the senator's advice was wrong. The Russian reaction was massive and many Georgians died. Now Russia pretends to withdraw her troops while staying in place. She has announced to the world her recognition of South Ossetia as an independent nation carved from the center of Georgia. I was told this could not, would not happen. Perhaps I was not told the truth. It appears that I was not. In fact, I might say that I was lied to.”

“Oh, no, Mr. President! The senator would never have done that!”

“Perhaps you speak the truth. Perhaps your husband spoke in ignorance. Perhaps Mr. Scheunemann and the White House decided it would be advantageous to generate an international crisis so as to benefit their candidate. Do people in your country still think that your political party has any standing in the international community? That is puzzling, but apparently your campaign people think so. And perhaps they worked these matters out on their own. This gives your husband—how you say?—deniability. Perhaps he knew nothing.”

Cindy McCain's eyes flashed in anger, submerging her distress.

“I assure you, Mr. President, that John is entirely sincere in his declarations of support for your country and would never be a party to cynical political manipulation of an ally. We are friends of Georgia and next year when the senator becomes president, we will prove that to you!”

“I beg your pardon, Mrs. McCain, but if your predictions are as accurate as your husband's, then next year your husband will still be a senator. If you'll excuse me, I must attend to other appointments now. Thank you for your humanitarian aid and I hope you have a pleasant time visiting our country. It's smaller now, but not easier to travel in.”

Good news from the Vatican

Oh, and bad news, too

As reported last night in the newest episode of Family Guy, Vatican scientists have determined that the Devil is no longer the world's greatest threat to salvation. Sounds like good news, no? The bright cloud has a dark lining, however, and some kicked-back cowboy reporters have the scoop. The Vatican has discovered the Super Devil!



Hell on wheels! This is not good. A taller and more mobile Adversary is a tough development for the forces of niceness. Who will save us now?

Well, how about man's best friend? While the Griffins are hiding out in Texas, Brian goes out to buy some booze and receives a complimentary handgun from the clerk (“It's a state law”). Although initially offended by the firearm, Brian blasts off a few rounds into the sky and finds that he rather likes it. Too bad for the Super Devil and his flying motorcycle; it turns out to be the wrong time to be zooming by overhead.

Now I get those “Dog is my co-pilot” bumper stickers.

The Coulter Coup

A lulu of an in-lieu

One of the gimmicks intended to juice up the debut of The Half Hour News Hour, a supposedly satirical news program on Fox, is a guest appearance by the dynamic duo of Limbaugh and Coulter. In a clip carrying the dateline January 21, 2009, Rush plays a newly elected President of the United States and Ann portrays his running mate. Vice President Coulter, demonstrating that she has stayed as sweet as she ever was, threatens to convert people to Christianity if they don't watch The Half Hour News Hour. How compelling.

I was intrigued that Rush ended his bit with a heartfelt “May God bless the United States of America—and us!” Perhaps Limbaugh doesn't think that he and Coulter are covered by his invocation for the U.S.A. Makes sense to me, since they are always off in their own little twisted world. Better to be safe than sorry.

I hear that Fox News has promoted their bright red version of The Daily Show with a spot showing Coulter getting in touch with the Pentagon. I haven't seen the promo, but one rightwing source quotes her as saying, “This is acting President Coulter. Are there any countries we haven't invaded yet?”

That entertains me. No, it's not the humorous implication that an empowered Coulter would embroil the country in more ill-fated foreign adventures, as knee-slapping as that is. It's the use of the term “acting president.” Doesn't that feed your fantasies? What happened to President Limbaugh? The 25th amendment must be at work!

The title “acting president” did not exist in the U.S. Constitution until Sen. Birch Bayh crafted the 25th amendment and saw it adopted as the law of the land. The 25th amendment was famously responsible for the presidency of Gerald Ford, who was appointed under its provisions to replace the disgraced Spiro Agnew as vice president, less than a year before Nixon resigned as president. Here's what the amendment says about “acting president”:

Section 3

Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives his written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President.

Section 4

Whenever the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President.

---

Well, what are we to think, folks? Is Coulter acting in lieu of a drug-addled Limbaugh, Oxycontin having claimed yet another victim for hillbilly heroin? Or is she a Section 4 executive, having engineered a palace coup with the connivance of a majority of the cabinet? We can be forgiven for speculating what she promised them in return for their support of her putsch.

Mind you, this is not idle speculation. We know, after all, that Fox News is populated by the most responsible and erudite journalists in the business. Right? (Extremely right!) They're all experts in constitutional law and would never dangle a tidbit like an “acting” Coulter presidency before us without being fully aware of the subtle implications.

What delightful wits they are!

Hillary gets serious

So much for mainstream media

Folks seeking alternative news sources enjoy many choices from outside the mainstream. It's difficult to beat Town Hall, National Review Online, NewsMax.com, or WorldNetDaily for reporters who have exempted themselves from all of the restrictive canons of journalism. We know that fact-checking can kill a good story, and what could be more important than a good story? Right? (Extreme right.)

Nevertheless, even the far-out news media can on occasion miss a huge story, the kind of scoop that any one of them would have died to get first. This week the alternative media were outmaneuvered by the fearless Weekly World News, a tabloid that is alternative even to the alternatives.

The news is that Sen. Clinton is prepared to reveal her choice of running mate as a dramatic coup de théâtre that will shake up the 2008 presidential sweepstakes. Hillary is looking to link up with Bigfoot in a powerhouse ticket that will crush Republican hopes to retain the White House. As the Weekly World News blurb says, “Republicans scramble for candidates when news of the former first lady and her hard-hitting running mate's bid for the Oval office is announced!” Indeed.

Hillary/Bigfoot to run in ’08!

By DENNY SPURLING

HOMER, N.H.—A member of Hillary Clinton's campaign team couldn't suppress his excitement when he recently confided to Weekly World News that the New York Senator is not only running for president, but has selected a running mate in the 2008 race.

“Leading Republicans have threatened a ‘wild and woolly battle’ in the upcoming election and we've got just the guy to help meet that challenge,” said Clinton advisor Don Key.

The ‘guy’ is none other than a towering wild man well known to readers of Weekly World News. We don't mean Bill Clinton: we mean Bigfoot. “Bigfoot doesn't intend to bully people,” Key went on. “His style will be a no-nonsense, get-it-done approach similar to Teddy Roosevelt—with a slightly altered motto of ‘Grunt softly and carry a big club.’”


When told of the still-secret news, G.O.P. spokeswoman Ellie Funt ridiculed the idea.

“Good grief, how can someone run for Vice President when he doesn't even exist! No one ever sees him except hunting prey in the wild or battling equally imaginary foes!”

Reminded that this is how most people saw Dick Cheney, Funt stayed on message.

“Running Sasquatch is just another stupid stunt by desperate Democrats,” she continued. “Besides, the public won't vote for someone who stinks like a billygoat. Who'd come to those rallies?”

“The ‘red states,’ most likely,” remarked Don Key.

While shocking to many, the choice is not entirely a surprise. Political observers first became suspicious when they read about Bigfoot getting into shape. (“The Bigfoot Diet,” Weekly World News, Jan. 1, 2007). It was obvious that his workouts and dieting were a preparation for some type of public appearance.

---

Watchers of the political scene always recognize dieting as a reliable indicator that a politician is preparing to run for office. Whenever Ted Kennedy slims down, it's inevitably the case that an election is in his immediate future. By a curious coincidence, the Weekly World News was fortunate enough for its diligent reporters to have published details on Bigfoot's diet program a mere three weeks before breaking the news of his likely candidacy for the vice presidency. This is a tabloid with a track record.

Democrats are mostly enthusiastic about the potential candidate. Typical is Washington state delegate Ernie Fuhrman.

“I'd be proud to vote for the ol’ boy,” he said. “We got a lot in common. We live in the same area, we both hunt deer, and neither of us are much for goin’ to barbers. I even forgive him for stealin’ my wife back in ’65. After all, that was a hard winter and it can get lonely up in the mountains.” Fuhrman laughed. “I guess that would make him a natural politician, right?”

Still, the Clinton camp knows there is much work to be done.

“Bigfoot will have to stop shunning crowds, kicking dogs who come sniffing his leg and learn to be accepted into polite society,” admitted Key. “When he nearly crushed my knuckles, I knew we had to begin by teaching him a proper handshake. And we may have to rule out kissing babies—not because he scares them but because he attracts them like a big, live teddy bear. The last thing we want is video of a bunch of tots clinging to his fur while their moms scream in terror.

“Fortunately; once she's had a hot shower and a leg wax, his companion, the former Mrs. Beatrice Fuhrman, will make a charming co-campaigner to her common-law mate.”

Objective political scientists disagree about whether Bigfoot will help the Democrats' chances in the election.

“The public is tired of the same old sound bites and party lines,” said Dr. Will Farestait of the Green Mint Think Tank. “They want an outsider to represent them. Since we've seen how a lumbering, semi-human creature with few verbal skills can attain elected office these days, Bigfoot should be a shoo-in.”

Not so, said sociology professor Frank Benjamin.

“Bigfoot has no credentials. No track record, unless you count muddy footprints in a marsh. He doesn't have a snowman's chance.” Benjamin added, “There's also a problem with his legislative agenda. I've heard he thinks that litterbugs should be torn limb from limb. I'm reasonably sure that language will not be accepted by certain liberal legislators—though, ironically, the conservatives may warm to it.”

---

It cannot be denied that Bigfoot would be a formidable campaigner. His animal vitality would enable him to log many hours on the hustings without tiring. And just imagine his ability to intimidate his rivals during debates. While Lloyd Bentsen contented himself with merely humiliating Dan Quayle with rhetorical barbs, Bigfoot would certainly favor actions over words.

Of course, the big unanswered question remains: Why would this normally shy creature agree to step into the spotlight?

“We first approached him with a banana and a platform that is heavily environmental,” stated Key. “Turns out he's very concerned about our vanishing wilderness, forests sickened by acid rain and polluted waters. He's saddened that his once-pristine home environment is degrading rapidly.

“I truly believe he'll rule the Senate in a positive way for eight years in a Clinton administration—then go on to serve as our president for two terms,” predicted Key. “Can you imagine him negotiating nuclear weapons control with North Korea?

“I can even see the campaign slogan now," Key said. “‘Give ’em hell, Hairy!’”

---

Bat Boy was approached for a statement, but his people said he was deeply disappointed by Sen. Clinton's decision and would release a formal statement at a later date.

The anti-absquatulator

The clear light of reason

Our president is under attack. I know, because I've done this myself. My sense of fairness, however, prompts me to rise to Mr. Bush's defense when he is attacked unfairly. There is gross illogic in the criticism of the president by My Alter Ego Speaks for our commander-in-chief's refusal to cut and run. Let me explain.

First, My Alter Ego Speaks quotes Bush's remarks from the president's meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair. Then he constructs some awkwardly unfair parallels:

“I do know that we have not succeeded as fast as we wanted to succeed,” and went on to say “I thought we would succeed quicker than we did, and I am disappointed by the pace of success.”

Brilliant! Sheer genius! I tip my hat to the master of rhetoric behind these words! By applying this approach to my problems and those of the people in my life, I am able to see the world in a much more positive light. For example:

• I am disappointed by the pace at which I am winning the powerball lottery.
• I have not succeeded as fast I had hoped in convincing my wife that twice-daily blowjobs are necessary for our mutual happiness.
• My nephew who dropped out of high school and is now dealing crystal meth? We are all disappointed by the rate at which he is finishing his doctoral dissertation.
• My plan to grow wings and antlers is slightly behind schedule.

---

I will address these points in order:

Powerball Lottery

Bush is never on firmer ground than when he talks about the value of patience in a scenario like a lottery. Even if your chance of winning is only one in a billion, you must eventually win in the long run. For example, if you play one billion times, then your likelihood of winning is

1 − (0.999999999)^{1,000,000,000} ≈ 0.632121

I'd say a 63.2% chance of winning a huge fortune tells us that staying the course is a good thing. You should have your prize in hand well before the heat death of the universe. Anyway, as wise lottery officials the world over tell us, “You have to play to win!”

Conjugal blowjobs

As someone who is single, I have no special expertise in the art of persuading one's spouse to service one's needs. This is one area where outsourcing might be considered. I understand that such services are readily available in Washington, D.C., where the providers of said services are called contractors. Ask Dick Cheney for references.

Crystal meth

My Alter Ego might be surprised to learn that there are wonderful opportunities in grad school for dissertation research and crystal meth production, especially during those all-nighters before qualifying exams. I can speak authoritatively on this subject because my own nephew, who is a doctoral candidate in chemistry at a big university, tells me that— Um, sorry. I recall that he did ask me not to go into details. Just take my word for me. Or forget that I said anything.

Wings and antlers

This comparison to Bush's words is the most unfair of all. As a man who is close to the earth—a gentleman farmer and rancher who is practically a naturalist—the president is well aware that wings and antlers are not compatible in nature. The jackalope, for example, which sports quite marvelous antlers, has thereby thrown in his lot with ground dwellers, because antlers and flight are not compatible. The president undoubtedly knows this, he being a clear-sighted man who can see both jackalopes on his ranch (probably while clearing the interminable brush) and victory in Iraq (while fighting the endless global war on terrorism).

In conclusion, I'd like to point out the final clincher: We would have no chance—zero, nada, zip—of winning a war in Iraq if President Bush had not ordered his invasion. Thanks to his vision for the future, the chance of victory is nonzero. You have to play to win!

(Thanks to Brad DeLong for citing My Alter Ego Speaks.)

Bell, book, and candle

As untrue as The DaVinci Code

Christians must not just sit back and say it is enough for us to forgive and to forget.... Sometimes it is our duty to do something practical. So it is not I who will tell all Christians what to do but some know legal means which can be taken in order to get the other person to respect the rights of others.

---

A phone rings in the Vatican. Francis Cardinal Arinze of Nigeria, cardinal-bishop of Velletri-Segni and Prefect of Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, picks it up. “Hello?”

“Hey, Frankie, great work! The phones are ringing off the hook. Loved the veiled threat of legal action. Everyone’s eating it up. The movie’s world premiere is sure to break records!”

“Excuse me, do I know you?”

“Oh, where are my manners? Sorry! I'm doing a little p.r. work for next week's roll-out of The DaVinci Code and I just got off the phone with Bill Donohue and he gave me your number. Bill's a riot, don't you think? He did get a little short with me, though, when I thanked him for that great press release last week. You know, the one where he said the Catholic Church is ‘an open book’? And Hollywood is more secretive than Opus Dei? How was I supposed to know he was serious? But speaking of serious: Geez, Frankie, does that guy think he's the voice of God or what? The pope really ought to have a talk with him sometime. Anyway, Bill said you were just the guy to straighten me out, as he put it.”

“Young man, what exactly is the purpose of your call? I am not interested in hearing you cast aspersions at a loyal son of the Church. And might I advise you that the correct form of address when speaking to a cardinal is ‘Your Eminence’?”

“Hey, good one! I like that! Okay, Your Eminence Frankie. I just wanted to tell you to keep up the good work. As long as you god-boys keep your red sashes in a twist and give interviews denouncing Dan's book and movie, we couldn't ask for more. It's all good and makes for killer product recognition.”

“Young man, I am going to pray for your soul.”

“Great! That's great, man! Can I quote you on that? Could you please pray for Dan Brown's soul? I mean, that would be even better. You'd be doing me a real solid if you issued a statement to that effect.”

“I have no intention of issuing any statement that might assist you. I am sorry, but I believe this conversation is at an end.”

“Yes. Okay. Gotcha. I understand. You're a busy guy, Frankie. Eminence. I know that. But I just had this great, great idea, if you let me run it past you for just a second. Instead of the praying stuff, could you announce that you're excommunicating Dan Brown? That would get major coverage. Major coverage. People love the ritual stuff. Could we get it televised?”

“As Mr. Brown is not a practicing Catholic, the matter of excommunication is entirely moot. You are pressing me beyond the point of endurance, young man. I will not speak to you further.”

“Sorry! Very sorry. Okay, I'll let you go now. You go ahead and pray for us and I'll pass the word along what you're doing. People will get a great kick out of it. By the way, there’ll be a little something extra in the collection basket for you this weekend. You and the boys in red keep up the good work! Give my love to Benny Hex.”

Click.

Chef d'oeuvre

There's got to be a morning after

The first time that Chef quit, it didn't take. That was back in 1999, when South Park's culinary sage decamped from the cafeteria to wed his girlfriend Veronica and take a job as a hatless drone in an office cubicle. Remember Veronica?

Ah, Veronica! The children were certain she was sucking the life out of Chef, although he refused to believe it. While Chef's head spun with thoughts of love and happily-ever-aftering, the kids became increasingly convinced that she was a succubus. As we know, the children were right and finally managed to exorcise her during the wedding ceremony by singing her signature tune backward. (It was There's got to be a morning after, the theme song from The Poseidon Adventure.)

Just what is a succubus? Here's a definition:

suc·cu·bus
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin, alteration of Latin succuba paramour, from succubare to lie under, from sub- + cubare to lie, recline. A demon assuming female form to have sexual intercourse with men in their sleep.

---

Hmmm. A demon? Where have we heard that before? Could it be ... Xenu?

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have cheerfully trashed religions before, in particular their scathing episodes on the Roman Catholic church (Red Hot Catholic Love and Bloody Mary). It was just a matter of time before Scientology—the “science fiction religion” in Christopher Evans's telling phrase—got its turn. The tenets of Scientology are doled out to its adherents based on the level of initiation to which they ascend. While supposedly secret, too many people have now gone in and out of the religion to permit all of the juicy details to remain confidential. The tale of evil Xenu, which played out like a parody in the crude animation of South Park was in fact a highly faithful treatment of Scientology's central dogma. The erupting volcano still featured on modern editions of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health is most likely an allusion to Xenu's genocidal population reduction scheme in which surplus beings were packed into volcanoes and blown up with H-bombs. Does your religion have any stories that good?

Lafayette Ronald Hubbard famously told some of his science fiction colleagues that “If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” Today the dearly departed L. Ron Hubbard is the icon of a vigorous cult that hopes to grow large enough to become considered a mainstream religion. (The main difference between a cult and a religion is numbers.) In a series of zig-zag moves, Hubbard cobbled together Dianetics, a secular system of supposed mental health treatment, and Scientology, a religious system that subsumed Dianetics into its creeds and rituals.

Hubbard had been making his living as a reasonably successful science fiction writer in the pulp era before World War II. However, his best days as an SF author were past when Dianetics and Scientology took over his life, and the lives of his followers. His work was big news and controversial from the very beginning. One of his early critics was Martin Gardner, who took aim at Dianetics in Fads and Fallacies in the Name of Science, published in 1957. Gardner has been a perceptive critic of pseudoscience and charlatanry throughout his long life, but his own keen vision may occasionally be unclear when he tries his hand at prognostication:

At the time of writing, the dianetics craze seems to have burned itself out as quickly as it caught fire, and Hubbard himself has become embroiled in a welter of personal troubles.

---

That was accurate enough back in the 1950s, but Hubbard's mounting difficulties were the impetus behind his momentous decision to incorporate Scientology as a tax-exempt religious organization (although the tax-exempt status was not formally recognized by the Internal Revenue Service till the 1990s). A decision to lay snares in Hollywood in the form of a glitzy celebrity center worked to provide Scientology with the famous faces that we see today as the glamorous aspect of the religion, although zealots like Tom Cruise appear to occasionally overplay their hand. What is a nice (formerly) Catholic girl like Katie Holmes doing in a place like that?

After Martin Gardner's premature eulogy for Dianetics, its resurgence in the form of Scientology caused Christopher Evans to feature the new religion in his Cults of Unreason in 1973, a book now long out of print. Evans devoted Part I (The Science Fiction Religion) of his book, over 100 pages, to the development of Scientology from its dianetic origin to its religious transformation. However, as he wrapped up his account, Evans proved to be no better a seer than Gardner:

Readers of the book up to this point may be surprised to find that after highlighting the absurdities, inconsistencies and smoky background of Scientology, I conclude without giving it a wholehearted thumbs-down. The reasons for this are quite straightforward. The closer I have looked at Scientology the more I feel that it is changing for the better, and the more eager I believe its leader and its adherents are to forget its past.

---

The late Dr. Evans was more hopeful than correct, I fear. While Scientology may be in some respects eager to “forget its past,” perhaps we might be forgiven for doubting that today's Scientology is somehow more kindly and forgiving than the Scientology of the past. While the religion's notorious “fair game” doctrine was supposedly rescinded in 1968, Scientology's critics still find occasion to feel that they are still being treated according to that policy:

Fair Game: May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.

---

For their part, Parker and Stone appear unfazed by Scientology's reputation for playing rough. They were, however, uncharacteristically lacking in imagination when they released a statement saying, “[T]he million-year war for Earth has just begun!” A million years is small potatoes to Scientology, whose acolytes sign trillion-year contracts when they join the church.

“Luke, I am your father!”

The fuss over Chef's apparent departure from South Park is only the latest—and one of the tiniest—installments in a soap opera that undoubtedly has many chapters to go. Given Hubbard's tendency to conjure up holy writ off the top of his head, coupled with his seat-of-the-pants management style, Scientology developed in a haphazard way. The church accumulated truckloads of scattershot scripture and divine directives, much of which will never be reconciled into a coherent whole. That may not matter, though, as the current leadership continues to mine the Hubbardian trove for nuggets they can dole out to their most devoted adherents. It is necessary to keep feeding the appetites of those who are so expensively walking Hubbard's Bridge to Total Freedom. At each step across the Bridge, more arcane dogma is dispensed.

Tom Cruise has supposedly reached the high-level status of Operating Thetan VII. What secrets might he know? One widely rumored Scientology secret is the identity of mass murderer and arch-fiend Xenu. If you are steeped in the literature of science fiction, you might be able to venture a wild guess. Imagine that Xenu lifts his mask and you find yourself staring in horror at the face of ... R. Daneel Olivaw! Oops! I mean ... Annakin Skywalker himself! Oh, sorry. I meant to say ... L. Ron Hubbard! I'll bet you're surprised! Yes, it could be that L. Ron Hubbard was the human incarnation of the evil Xenu, working out his redemption in works of healing and charity among us mere mortals.

Gosh! Who could have seen that coming?

Other references

In addition to the Gardner and Evans books, there are at least two full-length biographies of L. Ron Hubbard, both unauthorized by the Church of Scientology, which examine the fables and myths that Hubbard spun concerning his own life and achievements. Russell Miller's Bare-Faced Messiah, originally published in 1987, is available as an on-line text. Bent Corydon's L. Ron Hubbard: Messiah or Madman? comes down firmly in favor of the second option. It is in print in a paperback edition and recounts the travails of a disaffected Scientologist as he and his wife are elbowed out of the organization; it's a patchwork quilt of a book and can be criticized as one long complaint by a disgruntled ex-Scientologist—which it is—but that's also where the insider's perspective comes from.

Finally, let me draw your attention to a curious novel by science fiction writer Norman Spinrad. The Mind Game is an obvious roman à clef in which Transformationalism is a thinly disguised version of Scientology and its megalomaniacal founder is none other than L. Ron. If you've read any of the Hubbard biographies, you can't help but wonder how many of the incidents described in The Mind Game are authentic and which are the products of Spinrad's imagination. The true story of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't need embellishment in order to be fantastic.

Update: Gary Farber noted in comments that Hubbard was less than a successful writer in the days preceding the launch of Dianetics and I've amended the article accordingly.